


The Admiral and the Captain

by aimeewrites



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:00:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimeewrites/pseuds/aimeewrites
Summary: This is a "behind the scenes" look at Endgame.I've long thought that Captain Janeway and Admiral Janeway needed a heart-to-heart ... and that we don't know enough about what happened after Voyager came back - after 25 years in space. How did that Janeway make it back to Earth ? What motivated the Admiral to travel back in time ?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

_“Red alert.”  
“We're being hailed.”…..  
  
“I did what you asked. Now tell me what the hell is going on.”_

As I hurried down the corridor to Cargo Bay Two, all my senses were on high alert. I had had some strange experiences during the last seven years – even met myself already – but seeing the apparition on the screen had shaken me to the core. As the woman in red appeared in the transporter, I stood rigidly beside Chakotay and Tuvok, and my greeting was perfunctory at best.

“Welcome aboard.” No title – no name. She didn’t deserve those in my book. If I really believed she was me, the implications were tremendous and deeply troubling. Unless Starfleet had done a complete u-turn in the next decades, she – I – had broken every rule in the book to be here. As I preceded her in the corridors leading to my ready room, I felt her eyes on me. What was she thinking? I knew she was judging me – I felt the weight of her glance – but for what? For my past transgressions? For her past? For my future?

“Coffee?”

“I only drink tea now.”

Despite that answer, when she offered to be analysed by the Doctor, I already knew – she was me, and yet… She kept herself well-hidden behind impenetrable shields, I did the same behind my mask of command, but we would have to have a heart-to-heart before long.

She confronted me first, that same evening, in my quarters, and for the first time since I’d been on Voyager, I felt the need for a whisky.

“Are you going to do it? Are you going to bring your crew back home?”

I bit back: “Why would I? After all, your future seems just fine – you brought Voyager home. You’re an admiral.”

She sighed. I searched her face for signs of others than myself – my mother, maybe, or my father. I found none. She was just myself, with deep lines of sorrow etched in my own face. Since she did not reply, I went on: “Why would I trust anything you say? You may be an admiral, but apparently you’ve forgotten everything Starfleet stands for – the Temporal Prime Directive, for instance.”

She sighed again, and beckoned me to sit besides her on the couch. She took my glass from me and deposited it on the table before taking my hands in hers. “Listen to me, Kathryn – I can’t force you to do anything. I remember all too well how stubborn I was. But… I’m offering you an opportunity to get everyone home safely. If I told you that-”

“I don’t want to hear it!” I interrupted her, wrenching my hands from hers and crossing my arms. I regretted it as soon as I saw her mouth tremble. She was going to cry, and I knew my own tears wouldn’t be far behind.

“Seven”, the admiral murmured. “Chakotay, Tuvok – so many losses. So many betrayals. Oh yes – I may be an admiral, but…”

I couldn’t help myself, then. I blurted out: “Tell me – tell me, then! I need to know.”

“You’re forgetting the Prime Directive, Captain.” Her eyes were damp, but a smile hovered on the admiral’s lips.

“To hell with it!” I took a deep gulp of whisky.

“Are you sure you want to know? It’s not a pretty tale.”

I nodded and she curled up on the sofa, encircling her knees with her arms. And then she began.

“Some of us aren’t dead, but might as well be. Tuvok is ill – the only cure for his disease is in the Alpha Quadrant. When I left him, his mind was a child’s. He lives in an asylum, in a dark room, scribbling nonsense endlessly.”

I stared at her, uncomprehending. She went on: “That’s… That’s one of my biggest regret- that I haven’t been able to bring him back in time for him to be cured. And the others… Twenty-two people. Dead. Because of me – because I stranded them in that god-forsaken Delta Quadrant, just because I thought doing the right thing was saving an alien population.”

I didn’t prompt her, knowing she was lost in her memories. When she lifted her eyes, she stared at the porthole, millions of light-years away from me. “Seven and Chakotay will marry. That will be the first betrayal, because – I never expected that. I never expected that he wouldn’t wait. But why would he have? I rebuffed him so many times. It was always, duty first. I’m the captain, and you’re my first officer. I’m alone and I have to be alone. What was I thinking? That because I was alone, he had to be too? And yet – I loved him, and not being able to tell him broke my heart. As for Seven – I loved Seven, too, I loved her like a daughter, and although I wanted her happiness… When I married them, part of me died then.”

The admiral stood up and went to the replicator, ordering two more whiskies. She handed one to me and downed the other one before sitting back on the couch. I was reeling from what she had told me. Seven and Chakotay – both lost to me because they had found each other.

When the admiral spoke again, her voice had taken a harsh, angry tone, laced with self-recrimination. “I’ll always wonder why I sent Seven on that away mission. I knew it was dangerous. I knew she would be all right. And I knew she might not be. I knew I couldn’t treat her differently from any of my crew. But deep, deep down – I’ll always wonder whether part of me hoped she wouldn’t make it.”

The admiral’s eyes suddenly bore into mine, deep blue full of anguish: “Did I want to punish her somehow? I got my reward and my punishment. She died.”

She buried her face in her hands and I put my arms around her shoulders, unable to bear her suffering – my suffering. I knew she would not have sent anyone to their death on purpose – least of all Seven. But I understood her doubts. Chakotay had once told me I was known to hold grudges and he had been right. But could I have been so jealous as to… No, surely not. The admiral cried softly in my arms and I sensed she was unleashing decades of pent-up grief.

She wiped her eyes with her sleeves – a familiar gesture, born of wearing uniforms without pockets – and straightened up. “That was the first betrayal, and we were never the same afterwards. None of us. Because Seven’s death led to the second betrayal…”


	2. Chapter 2

This time, when she stopped talking, I was the one who stood up and went to the replicator.

“Irish coffee. Two.”

Alcohol wouldn’t be enough – I needed the comfort of the hot coffee. I sensed I didn’t want to listen to what the admiral was going to say, and yet, I needed to. I handed her the hot drink and settled down again beside her. We both brought our cups to our faces and inhaled and the common gesture brought a small smile to our faces. She sobered up quickly, though, and looked straight at me: “I want you to know that if I could have gone on that mission, I would have. Neither Tuvok nor Chakotay would let me go. So I didn’t – and then, I paid the price – dearly. After Seven’s death, nothing was ever the same. I – I stopped eating for a while. I snapped at everyone. I took – unwise decisions. I’d only ordered that mission in the first place because our resources were nearly depleted, and since it was unsuccessful, I had to order others – as dangerous. Some of them more. I became – reckless – because nothing mattered anymore, except getting the rest of them home. The crew began to – they didn’t trust me anymore, and I didn’t listen. So…They went to Chakotay. He listened, and he tried to reason with me. We were both distraught about Seven’s death, but he hid it well, and I was - unhinged– not a good combination. He sent Tuvok, who tried his finest logic on me, and I refused to listen. When they both had enough, Chakotay… He took command, and the crew followed him. Not one of my finest hours… I went berserk – I think he tried to have the Doctor sedate me, but I fought so much that Chakotay finally threw me in the Brig to calm me down.”

The admiral took a big gulp of coffee and looked at me defiantly. She wanted to know whether I was judging her. I wasn’t – I knew how it felt to sink deeper and deeper. I had experienced that after my father’s and Justin’s deaths, I had nearly fallen into the abyss again in the Void, and she knew I would understand. I understood, too, how deeply the crew’s mutiny would have wounded her. How she would have felt terribly hurt by Chakotay’s actions. I remembered how I’d felt when he had ordered Tuvok to shoot me, and that was when I knew they were both being manipulated by an alien entity. To have my first officer turn against me in sound mind and cold blood…

“Go on,” I said softly.

“In that Brig… Well – I did calm down, especially when… Let’s just say that some of the guards were among my fiercest opponents. I learnt afterwards that one of them had a girlfriend who’d died during the mission where Seven was killed. He – appreciated the fact that I was at his mercy. At first I tried to defend myself, but… Let’s just say that I didn’t have enough fight left in me. So I just concentrated on not showing how the blows hurt me, and when he left me alone - the only thing I could think of was… Revenge. I couldn’t believe it – after ten years, seeing the crew switch loyalties like that, it tore me apart. I wanted my ship back. I wanted all the mutineers drawn and quartered. I would have court-martialled the lot of them…”

The admiral stopped again, lost in thought.

“And – I couldn’t believe Chakotay had done that. He never came to see me. At first, I wanted to rant and rave at him, to insult him. I thought he didn’t come because he wanted to make me suffer. And then… I realised he was probably ashamed – I…”

Once again, the admiral brushed her eyes with the back of her hand, blinking back tears.

“I used to pray he would come, see what was happening, and rescue me. But after…I don’t know – a week, maybe – I just stopped caring. And I began to think that they were probably right. I had stranded them in the Delta Quadrant, and we would all die there. I had no right to be a captain….And that’s about when the ship was attacked by the Fen Domar. I heard alarms… Explosions… Parts of the hull tearing apart. I was powerless to act, and… I was preparing to die. And then – they came in. Two of them. Maybe they knew who I was – maybe they just thought I was an easy prey. Anyway, one of them killed the guard, deactived the forcefield, and the other one just stood there, looking…Bored. I had no weapon, I couldn’t do anything. Just when the forcefield snapped, Chakotay came in…”

I knew I didn’t want to know the rest, but I didn’t say a word.

“I took a bullet in the shoulder, but… Chakotay took two others meant for me, and managed to throw me a phaser. We killed the two Fen Domar… And Chakotay…died…in my arms.”

She whispered the last words. She was staring right ahead, as if she was reliving the ordeal. Then, in a flat, listless, she added: “Do you know how long it takes for a man to die? Turns out, it’s much too fast… And much too long. He said he was sorry – for everything. For not being enough for me. And… I said I was sorry, too. And that’s when he died.”

The admiral’s words came out as shards of ice: “I got my ship back. He gave his life for me, and I got to go back to the Alpha Quadrant. Tuvok’s mind began to unravelled after the attack. I’d lost twenty-two members of my crew, my first officer, best friend and the last man I ever loved. The rest – they forgave me, and I made amends – I straightened myself out. We finally found a wormhole… We made it back. But at what cost? My God… At what cost?”

She didn’t make it back to her quarters that night. We stayed there, on the couch. After a while, she fell asleep. I covered her with a blanket, and watched her sleep. I knew why she had come back – I understood her burden. And I wanted her to tell me more, because I didn’t know how she had survived. So completely, utterly alone.


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up after a few hours of stolen sleep, hunched in a corner of the sofa, I was alone. As usual, my day began by a curt “Coffee, black” addressed to the replicator. I had long decided that it responded better when I was civil, but civility couldn’t be expected at 0700 hours. After taking a sip, I made my way to the bathroom, where I took a quick sonic shower, put on a fresh uniform and sorted my hair into something approximately coherent. Cup in hand, I then went in search of the admiral. I found her on the bridge with Tuvok and Chakotay. _Though I've certainly had some strange experiences in my career, nothing quite compares to the sight of my future self briefing my officers on technology that hasn't been invented yet._

After what she had told me the night before, I drank up the sight of the three of them bent over a console. Was she right? Was the future she had described what was going to happen if I remained on my positions? She had confronted me with hard, unpalatable truths, and at that moment, I both admired and hated her. I admired her strength – her courage – the courage it took her to survive, and the courage she had needed to tell me about what had happened to her and about her true feelings. There was a man I loved – I could admit it to my current self, even if I wouldn’t have to my future one – who would give his life for me, and yet, I kept him at arm’s length because of my principles… My almighty principles. Not a pretty picture.

“Good morning, Captain!”

I heard the tinge of sarcasm in her voice – she knew full well that I had never liked early mornings - and bit back: “ Good morning, Admiral – I see you’re not wasting any time corrupting my officers…” She winced and I regretted my sharpness immediately. She didn’t deserve it. She had been through hell and back, and I had no right to blame her for trying to do what she thought was the right thing. She had called me stubborn – well, surviving and getting Voyager home after everything she had told me… That took more than stubbornness – that took unbelievable tenacity, resilience and strength of character.

The business of the day took over and it wasn’t until dinner time that we had a chance to resume our conversation. Over grilled cheese sandwiches – a step up from peanut butter and jelly, and one of the dishes I had mastered over the years, I encouraged her to go on.

“Tell me about… When you came back.”

“Well, my dear,” she drawled. “We landed the ship, had a nice reception – fireworks above the Golden Gate, would you believe? And everyone got on with their lives…”

I glanced at her scornfully and she sighed: “You’re pretty sharp, aren’t you, Captain? Nice to see I’ve never been too gullible. We did have the fireworks – Starfleet Command has never been known to do things in half. But…”

She took a last bit of food, wiped her lips with her napkin and ordered two coffees from the replicator before inviting me to join her on the couch.

“A lot happens in sixteen years, Kathryn. People… Die. Mother. Admiral Paris. Most of the admirals I knew, actually. I was lucky the Federation needed a hero. So in public…I got showered with praise. I got press conferences. Gifts. A nice, big new flat. I think I’ve got a statue somewhere. A scholarship was created at the Academy in my name…”

She sounded angry. I waited. I had always known people would die on Earth, too, but somehow, hearing her say it made it more real.

“But out of the public eye… It was another story. For two months, they isolated us from each other and from the rest of the world. Once the public events were done, I was politely escorted back to my quarters. I got half an hour with Phoebe. Half an hour, after twenty-three years! And then, of course, I was court-martialled. They were very apologetic, the brass – all those people who’d been with me at the academy, and who’d become full-fledged admirals. They had nothing against me personally, but it was procedure… Bullshit! From their point of view, I’d been cocooned in the Delta Quadrant when they had had to fight several threats against the Federation. And a lot of Starfleet resources had been allocated to getting Voyager home. They resented me. And I couldn’t blame them. Anyway, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t have anyone left to live for, so… Phoebe had become an artist, she had married a lovely man – she didn’t need me – she had never needed me. The crew – they would be all right. I almost welcomed the court-martial, the questions they hurled at me, the uncomfortable half-truths I had honed over the years and I finally got to tell. All those times when I had walked on the line and thought I was staying on the right side of it. I welcomed it, because for all those years, I’d been expecting retribution, and I thought I would finally get it, and that it would help me forgive myself for… Their deaths.”

She didn’t need to say who “they” were. Seven. Chakotay. She blamed herself, like I blamed myself for every crew member’s death. And I understood. She had wanted to be tried and found guilty. She had wanted swift justice after punishing herself with guilt for so many years. She had wanted someone else to accuse her, someone else to sentence her, and someone else to exact the price of those deaths.

She laughed – a small, brittle, bitter laugh: “Didn’t happen. Oh, they weren’t happy about what I’d done. I had to endure quite a few lectures from admirals younger and newer to Starfleet than I was. Somehow, I believed I deserved them. It wasn’t enough, actually. I wanted a real punishment, and all I got was a slap on the wrist and a promotion to vice-admiral. After everything, I got a cushy desk job.”

I waited, knowing she hadn’t quite finished. When she didn’t resume talking, I murmured: “I understand.”

She looked directly into my eyes: “Maybe you do…After all, I used to be you. And now, listen carefully, Kathryn. After everything, just one thing mattered, and because time had passed…Well, it took a few more years, but… Only one thing mattered – I had to come back. I had to. For Seven. For Chakotay. For the crew. And for myself. I know my plan isn’t without risks, but now that you know everything… Will you do it? Please?”

“Well, Admiral… After all, you outrank me…”

She laughed again, this time genuinely and she opened her arms. I didn’t resist the invitation.

****

_“Good luck, Admiral.”_

_“You, too. Captain. I'm glad I got to know you again.”_

Just before I exited the shuttle, I gave her a quick smile and saluted her. She saluted back. Me too, Admiral Janeway. I’m glad I got to know you, because… One day, I hope to be half as brave as you have been. Back on the bridge, I glanced around. It was time to bring Voyager home.


End file.
